Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
You Might Also Like
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
wow
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles