Our super’s response to a text about mice in the apartment, amazing
Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
sorry password must contain a special character
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.