Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.

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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


Enter password:


sorry password must contain a special character



Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.


After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.


Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.


after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.