@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

You Might Also Like

@DannyDutch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@Cpin42

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@good2go013

Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.