Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling