Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.

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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.


ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it


I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”


what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.


A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”



ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Stop texting me from the trunk