i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
How does one answer this?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses