Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.
You Might Also Like
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]
Omg I didn’t know you hunt!
[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Stop texting me from the trunk