Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u