‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: