Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.