Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…