@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

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@Holy_Mowgli

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
?

@PoliUncorrect

* Pogoing Outside Your Window

~ Are… You… Sure… You… Don’t… Want…. A… Second… Date?

@stevevsninjas

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.