Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
there has never been a better use of this meme
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.