Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.