What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
SF is the wild wild west man
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school