I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE