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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Someone just threatened to call me later
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I like it thick and deep
Pizza