@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

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@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@HomeWithPeanut

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

@snmrrw

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@ArfMeasures

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine