Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

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How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.


Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.


ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.


they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup


Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.


King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”


“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine