NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?
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How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine