why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
When I snag the last meatball.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.