Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I’m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.