@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

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@OneThirstyNaut

[Enter a password]

“beansandsausage”

[Password must contain at least two capitals]

“limabeansandviennasausage”

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@leechee420

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them