@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

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@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@TheAlexP

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

@Cpin42

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard