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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them