Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Just a bush.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers