Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Get in loser we’re going crying
I feel attacked.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist