Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.


United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.


Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.


I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.


I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.


My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house