Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
We accidentally made a baby.
We accidentally made a pizza.
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:
Nacho ride to your friend’s house