Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do