We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.