Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
there has never been a better use of this meme
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?