Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.