Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.