Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
We’ve come full circle
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.