Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Just so funny
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.