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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
New tinder profile pic
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I have a black belt in leather
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough