Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?