Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..