I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
prepare for carbonated trouble
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime