Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.