Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Spider-cat: No One Home
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.