Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”


(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

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I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.


I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?


GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.


In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.


If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.


My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends