@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

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@UnFitz

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

@cajones113

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@AimeeHelene1

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@MUMSIEesq

ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends

EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh