Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?