Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My favorite horror movie
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!