a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.
*puts away bowl and spoon
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.
Especially since you walked there.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.