Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.