@sixfootcandy

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

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@awhalefact

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

@JKickinit30

Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.