@sixfootcandy

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

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@kivtur

Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@Cpin42

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

@dubstep4dads

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@TheTweetOfGod

If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.

@DrakeGatsby

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

@StellaRtwot

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!