@michel_lesann

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

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@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

@50FirstTates

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@dumbbeezie

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@hilaryfairie

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁