Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!