Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
taking June’s advice to heart
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.