@lottiegwalker

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@bobbiejo448

“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.

@LostCatDog

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

@stephenjmolloy

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE