@lottiegwalker

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

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@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@Rollmaninoz

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

@10InchesPlus

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@Cpin42

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia