[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
this is how life feels
I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE