Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.