Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

You Might Also Like


Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?


I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.


[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist


Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??


[Halloween party]

Him: What are you?

Me: An introvert.

Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.

Me: *already went home*


Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not


here are my new year’s resolutions:

• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune


ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.