Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Holy crap this is wonderful
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Don’t we all.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.