Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Danger is very dangerous
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
When someone trying to leave me
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”