Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
You Might Also Like
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
*Inspirational Tweets*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I love wikipedia
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.