Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Hard not to take this personally
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”