I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
absolutely not
You have been warned.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
When you “pspspsp” too hard
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?