Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.