[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Has that literally ever worked?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.