I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.