Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics