@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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@TwatWaffler69

Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.

@MavenofHonor

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

@TuckerFly1

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

@dan_wickes

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics