@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

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@agathagotstoned

*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@GrantTanaka

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good

@juliussharpe

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

@kibblesmith

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…