Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget