*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*
*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[first day as a train conductor]
coworker: you the new guy?
me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing
me: so far this job is off the rails
me: so what do you guys do to let off steam
coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
DTF (Down time finally)
After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All
Please let me know if there are any more.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…