@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

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@djdarrellripley

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@cray_at_home_ma

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*