In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
i meant to share this earlier
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Don’t snitch tag.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys