Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

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I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*


Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.


I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.


I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.


Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.


Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal


*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*