@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

- @Deurb1

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@AndrewNadeau0

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
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@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

@Thynebear

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

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BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@stizod

When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@LeBearGirdle

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

@kirsthalliwell

Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???