Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
all bases covered
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Breaking news:
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you