Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

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Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.


me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them


JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor


As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?


I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.


Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls


what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves